Changes

Home made fimo beads

So much has changed since my last post. Some of the changes have been external, and some have been internal, some have been good, and some have been bad. As i realise now, this is simply how life is.

After the dream I mentioned in my last post, I have to admit it has prayed on my mind. I told my mum the nightmare, and she simply told me what I needed to hear: I am not far away from that point. Although I gained weight two weeks ago, in the last week, I have lost a large amount, and I am close to my admittance weight. If my therapist wasn’t on leave, my mum thinks I would already be in hospital.

So I have to promise to try, try to shout and scream my way against this life consuming disease. It has taken too much of my life. I am only half a year from turning 18, and honestly, I am nothing like an 18 year old. I am hardly over 10 at the moment. So with the support from the amazing people around me, combined with the beautiful words of inspiration that you provide, I think I am turning a corner.

Disgusting but necessary: both the chemistry and the ensure

My school work has really suffered over the past two weeks, with a lack of motivation and diminished cognitive function. I simply cannot let this happen any more, I have applied to university, I have put myself out there, in the hope of getting a place at medical school. Yet, what good would a place be at the moment? Because in reality, I would not be able to cope with the rigours of being a university student, let alone a medical student. But I cannot let this stop me from working to the best of my ability. Because it is only ED that wants me to get bad grades, not be able to leave home, continue in my spiral of negativity.

CBT homework

One step i have taken to change this is visiting a new therapist. She specialises in CBT and hypnotherapy. I know that hypnotherapy counts as an ‘alternative’ medicine, one that I had originally ignored, concluding that it was all making people quack and do silly things. Quite the contrary. This therapist filled me with hope. I have only had an introductory session, and already she has set me homework; something I have not yet experienced. That said, I am so nervous, or is ED nervous? I have an opportunity to become a more confident, happier person, I should welcome this experience with open arms. It was simply so refershing to see someone outside of my current treatment team, who didn’t lecture me about my weight or talk about school with me. I can only hope.

Well, I have to catch up on your lives, and prepare for more schooling. Much love.

Tea, Titrations and night trauma

Gosh, today is such a dreary day, it has been drizzling, slow, monotonous rain since 4am. It is the kind of day that makes you want to curl up into bed, with a steaming mug of tea, and the latest novel you are devouring.

I am loving this book. Though I have been warned the ending is poor, so I really do not want it to end!

Instead, I had to settle with a quick mug of green tea, with a few pages over breakfast, before heading off to start my morning of titrations. And to any of you that do titrations, you will know why I was not looking forward to this. Don’t get me wrong, I love chemistry, but there is something about watching the drip-drip-drip of a titration that sends me insane! It is like chinese water torture to me. Especially when I have to get out of bed earlier than normal, simply to conduct this experiment.

Confession: I have never had Starbucks. A friend just bought me the mug as it holds insane amounts of tea.

Ok, so I only had to get up at 6am instead of 7, but today I really felt it. Last night, I had horrific dreams, which disturbed my few hours of sleep. I feel the need to get it down,

The sun shone brightly through my window, as I woke to start my day. I started to sit up, only to find that my sheets felt different, scratchier, my matress was harder, the room was brighter. I fumbled quickly to find Noddy, only to realise he was not there. So I opened my eyes, and there they were, the yellow walls of hospital, staring back at me. I blinked, once, twice, three times, but the walls just wouldn’t go away. I turned to my right, and there was Kate, my mental health nurse, staring straight at me. And then the tears came, hot and furious, crying and convulsing, muttering that I wanted, needed, my mum. They said that my mum had gone, it had gotten too much, she couldn’t cope, so she had up and left. I screamed, suddenly someone was muffling my voice, a doctor came in, only to administer something into my arm, making the world spin…

And that was where I woke up. It was truly horrible. I even tiptoed out of my bed to check my mum and Dad were still there, luckily they were, sound asleep. I haven’t told my mum about this dream yet, I am simply too scared. But I have been wondering what it means all day. I know my mum is exhausted by looking after me, I hope I do not drive her to leave. I know she loves me too much, but she just wants to see me better, more than anything.

What do you think this means?

Do you ever have strange dreams?

Thank you all so much for your comments on my last few blog posts; things still aren’t great, but hearing your kind words make it much easier.

I really should be revising for a mock test on Monday, but I decided to take a half hour break to get out some of  my emotions.

On reflection, this has been one of the worst and most destructive weeks I have had so far. At times, it has felt as if I am being thrown obstacles from literally every direction, and I am ashamed to say that they have derailed me in some ways.

As of yet, I am feeling no better regarding the boyfriend situation, even though I know that if I was in a better place, a lot of this may not have occurred. On the contrary, it did, and I cannot dwell on the idea that I can turn back time, because I cannot.

I think recently I have simply been feeling numb, as if my life is on repeat. Everything I do within a day turns out to be such a battle, from getting dressed to being forced through a meal. This numbness clouds very waking hour, it also finds a way to seep into my precious few hours of sleep, ensuring that I am exhausted constantly. I no longer know what to do with myself, I cannot concentrate on studying, I feel I have no real place in the blog world, social situations are difficult. I am well and truly lost.

Originally, this  was going to be a post about who I am without ED, for the beautiful Dana’s giveaway- check it out at Searching for peace. But honestly, I have had such a traumatic few days that I feel currently incapable of knowing who I am without ED. I feel consumed. My boyfriend broke up with me, as he cannot deal with me being sick, and I accidentally saw my weight whilst being weighed. And it had gone up. But this wan’t intentional, no increased calories, a bit more exercise, but some new tablets.  I’m not going to ramble about it, but I will be back when I feel more stable. Right now, I’m loosing myself.

Coffee

Do you ever have those weekends when you don’t seem to stop? This weekend definitely feels like that. At least now I have time to chill, catch up on your lives and paint my nails.

The sun has finally come out- so I have had to revert back to pastel coloured polish.

Being back at school has made me come to a few conclusions. School takes up a lot of time. And thus, major organisation is needed.

Before.

After.

Chalk board paint is probably one of the greatest creations ever, it makes organisation much easier, and I can always draw when I feel like it.

In between studying like mad, my mother decided to set me a challenge. We went out for coffee. I know to most people, this is a simple task, perhaps one that is carried out every day, yet I have felt paralysed whenever I am faced with such a situation. Being able to go out for coffee means I may be able to hang out with my friends more, in a situation that won’t send me into panic. So we headed to costas, with a newspaper, to try and do something ‘normal’.

My raspberry ice tea, with Daddys cinnamon latte in the background.

Unfortunately, it led me to the conclusion: I do not like coffee. I adore the aroma of freshly ground beans, but the taste does not excite me. I thought that when it was mixed with cinnamon, I would be enamoured (cinnamon+anything=lovely) but I just wasn’t.

So there you have it, funny fear conquered. Admittedly, I gave myself hell for it all evening; I am so grateful that I have a fantastic support network that managed to get me through it.

Have a good evening, I’m off to refresh on your lives

Do you like coffee? What am I missing?

The power of dreams

Last night at group therapy, the therapist asked us all to imagine our dream future. Where we would live, what we would do, and who would be there with us. It could be as fantastical as you wished, my therapist chose to just sit on coffee shops all day.  At the time, I said I would like to be living on an air force base, being a doctor during the day, and teaching Ju Jitsu at night. I said I would love for my brother and I to be on the same camp, and ideally my parents and some other close family living with me too.

Last night and today, I really pondered on what I would really dream for. The dream I told the girls at the group is the dream I have had wired in to me for so long. But I honestly no longer know what I want to do with my life. This is a big burden upon my shoulders, as I only have several weeks until I need to apply for university, and from then on in, it all gets very serious.

In one sense, I would adore to be a doctor, changing peoples lives daily, applying my love of science to help as many people as possible. Yet, it feels so far away. It is truly one of the most competitive careers, essentially from the second you apply for university, you are battling against many young hopefuls. I am told over and over again that I should have no fear of the competition, that I am capable of fighting my way through.

I find it so difficult to make any life changing decisions whilst being stuck in the place I am now. I have been told that I will only be allowed to go to university when i can nourish myself properly, thus part of me refuses to even think about going to university, instead it tells me I can stay at home, in the ‘safety net’ of my ED. So I am torn, between prospering and fuffiling my dreams, or remaining stuck in this rotten place.

So what are your dreams?

Do you have any advice for me as what I should do?

Finding me.

For years now, I have achieved excellence in most areas of my life. Excellence in school grades, check. Excellence in martial arts, check. Excellence in singing, check. Ok, so I still have an ability to excell in school work, but logically, the amount of work I did last year is probably the biggest explanation of my grades, because when you are between the itchy sheets of a hospital bed, studying is the best thing to do. That and quizzing every single doctor about which university they went to, and why, and asking them for hints or tips.

But the others? Not so much. My martial arts passion is crippled  by my low weight. I was asked by a dear friend at a party on friday if I still sung. I sighed, rather heavily, and bitterly admited that I had not sung in a long time. Unfortunately, I have not even looked at my music books for the last seven weeks. And even before that, I was not really singing, only going through the motions of singing, there was no passion, no drive, no desire. When I used to sing, nothing else mattered. The walls could fall down around me, and it wouldn’t matter until I had finished reciting an aria. She looked upset when i told her this, and told me ‘That is such a shame, you had such a beautiful voice.’

Love number one

This comment shook me. A genuine compliment from someone who has been my friend for over 8 years, and it had nothing to do with the way I looked, or dressed or anything artificial. This comment would still hold no matter how I looked on the outside. My singing was something that came from deep inside of me, a fire that has gone out.

So I need to go back, to return to my roots, relight the fire. I was singing the second I could talk, but it simply slipped away. Singing is supposed to be like riding your bike, you never forget how to do it, you just lose some of your ability. Because I know singing is a big part of who I truly am. When my relapse started, I had not had time to return to choir, I had no weekly commitment to it, and therefore, it was lost along with other parts of my personality, because if anorexia is like a bell jar, singing is a passion trapped on the outside.

Love number two.

Thus, tonight, an email will be sent to my choir master, asking when term starts, and if I can return. I do hope he will say yes, I think singing will provide such a useful distraction and mind-occupying tool. Of course, I am nervous about returning, the usual thoughts plague me, engulfing me with worry. Though, I must attempt to battle through. I need to rediscover who I am, and bring some passion, devotion and positive energy into my life.

Reading through my last post actually made me laugh a bit. Ur, the award for looking too far into things goes to me!

Bounce fudgie walnut ball

I had actually read about these ages ago, and this gorgeous blogger had mentioned being sent them by an English blogger. They looked intreiging (I cannot say appealing, cause that wouldn’t be believed by anyone!) So when we were in our local health food  shop, I recounted the story to my mum about seeing them on a blog, with positive reviews. “Great lets buy some.” retorted my Mother. “Urm” was my only response whilst my brain did mental flips. So she bought them, due to them being energy dense and smaller than my current snack bars.

Conundrum: Why do I eat something of larger quantity just because it is lower calorie? It made me realise that I will always pick the lower calorie options. Yes, I’d rather eat cups and cups of broccoli as opposed to one square of chocolate. I mentioned this to my therapist, who simply told me that it proved how stuck I was in the ooey-gooey mess of ED.

Well, it hit me half way through today that it was September. Now, I’ve been reading about everyone going back to or getting ready for college, yet it still didn’t hit me. In a strange way, I think I’ve been living in my own little bubble, where school is just something that other people did. Going to school means changing my daily routines of reading, beading, puzzling, writing , catching up on blogs, and unfortunately, crying. The latter, especially, does not fit into most peoples day-to-day school routines.

This, therefore, is the current source of so much of my anxiety. If I am not worrying about the change in difficulty for AS to A2, I am fretting about what I will wear, who I will hang out with, and what, when and how I will eat. Since I was at school in July, I was able to come home most days for lunch, as most of my classes were in the morning. This time, my timetable doesn’t allow for this, nor does it allow for all of my other day-to day activities. In July, I was in a bit of a better place mentally, I was dependant on my parents and needed them to be supportive for me a lot of the time. On the contrary, I was able to be around other people, and not burst into tears when my mum goes out. Physically, I am not aware of any changes, I think I am in the same place, just possibly with larger arm muscles.

I struggle with anxiety eating around my peers. I still dislike eating around other people, outside of my family, this is only heightened at school. Being around people who aren’t eating lunch as they are participating in some new diet, or because they have already eaten a whole bag of cookies at break time, makes it very difficult to consume my own healhy, balanced, essential lunch. My mother being there during my lunch times makes it much easier to  eat.

Home lunch of salmon stir fry on soba noodles

Thus, I know that I am liable to loose weight whilst I am at school. My parents will not be around to watch and police me, which is one of the main reasons I manage to eat my meal plan. Without their presence, input and encouragement, I am not sure that  I will be able to do it alone.  I know this sounds pathetic, as this is my recovery, thus it is my responsibility to complete my meal plan, but I still feel unable to complete it alone.

I am completely lost. I have no idea what to do, so any input would be appreciated.

Thank you.