Tea, Titrations and night trauma

Gosh, today is such a dreary day, it has been drizzling, slow, monotonous rain since 4am. It is the kind of day that makes you want to curl up into bed, with a steaming mug of tea, and the latest novel you are devouring.

I am loving this book. Though I have been warned the ending is poor, so I really do not want it to end!

Instead, I had to settle with a quick mug of green tea, with a few pages over breakfast, before heading off to start my morning of titrations. And to any of you that do titrations, you will know why I was not looking forward to this. Don’t get me wrong, I love chemistry, but there is something about watching the drip-drip-drip of a titration that sends me insane! It is like chinese water torture to me. Especially when I have to get out of bed earlier than normal, simply to conduct this experiment.

Confession: I have never had Starbucks. A friend just bought me the mug as it holds insane amounts of tea.

Ok, so I only had to get up at 6am instead of 7, but today I really felt it. Last night, I had horrific dreams, which disturbed my few hours of sleep. I feel the need to get it down,

The sun shone brightly through my window, as I woke to start my day. I started to sit up, only to find that my sheets felt different, scratchier, my matress was harder, the room was brighter. I fumbled quickly to find Noddy, only to realise he was not there. So I opened my eyes, and there they were, the yellow walls of hospital, staring back at me. I blinked, once, twice, three times, but the walls just wouldn’t go away. I turned to my right, and there was Kate, my mental health nurse, staring straight at me. And then the tears came, hot and furious, crying and convulsing, muttering that I wanted, needed, my mum. They said that my mum had gone, it had gotten too much, she couldn’t cope, so she had up and left. I screamed, suddenly someone was muffling my voice, a doctor came in, only to administer something into my arm, making the world spin…

And that was where I woke up. It was truly horrible. I even tiptoed out of my bed to check my mum and Dad were still there, luckily they were, sound asleep. I haven’t told my mum about this dream yet, I am simply too scared. But I have been wondering what it means all day. I know my mum is exhausted by looking after me, I hope I do not drive her to leave. I know she loves me too much, but she just wants to see me better, more than anything.

What do you think this means?

Do you ever have strange dreams?

Thank you all so much for your comments on my last few blog posts; things still aren’t great, but hearing your kind words make it much easier.


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2 responses to “Tea, Titrations and night trauma

  1. happinessisfreedom

    What a horrible dream.!
    But it’s just a dream, you have done a good thing writing it down, and now you should let it go.
    Probably it’s because being in a hospital isn’t a nice experience at all, it’s stuck in your mind. You and your mum have a good relationship, you love her and she loves you. She would never let you go, I think she will aways be there for you, even if sometimes she’ll be tired of your Ed, she loves you, Sophie.
    Uh, I hated chemistry. Fortunately I will never study it again. =)
    I hope you’re fine and that your book won’t ever finish ^^
    Have a nice evening.

  2. Hedda

    So sorry I’ve not commented more than I have >.<

    what a dream. Or, I guess nightmare is a more correct term. In my opinion dreams do reflect thoughts that goes through our head when we are awake, and the experiences we have. They are not just made out of nothing, you know?
    To me, this nightmare holds quite a clear message. You are scared of not making it, not managing to get through this process called recovery. Afraid that you'll never be able to live on your own, take responsibility for your own health.
    At the same time this nightmare can be used in a constructive and positive way. You obviously do not want to go to hospital and stay there for a longer period of the time. It is very clear to me that despite your doubts and fears of not recovering, you do WANT to recover. You want it so badly, that is why you're scared of falling. But, try to ask yourself what you must do to gain your health and life back. Write it down. Think about time after time. Are the changes that are necessary to do impossible? Are they truely as frightening as the disorded voices in your head wants you to believe?
    Or, is this fright perhaps a desperate and evil attempt from your ED to put you down, and prevent you from breaking free from it?

    All of my support, you CAN do this. You have a healthy voice inside of you too, the one that wants to recover more than anything in the world.
    Hope this comment made any sense!
    Big hug ❤

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