Starting again (again)

When I first started recovery, I have to admit, I thought it would be simple. I thought, if I followed the rules, attended the therapy, everything would simply get better. Those around me thought this was the case too.

Now I have come to realise, recovery is not a simple formula. I cannot apply the strategies of my schooling to this exercise. I have to accept that things will go wrong, and I have to learn to dust myself off, and start again.

The last post that I wrote I deleted. Because I re-read it, and was shocked at myself. Why would I speak so negatively? Why would I act so defeated? It was simple, it was not a post written by me, it was a post written by my eating disorder, whining about how  I cannot cope.

For a long time, I have been retorting the phrase ‘I don’t want to get better’ every time I am put in a pressurised situation. So every single time my parents even mention my meal plan, or calories, or new things, I would simply chime in with ‘But I don’t want to get  better’. I realise now, you only have to repeat something so many times before it becomes imprinted in your mind-set. I would say that I didn’t want to get better, yet I still looked at universities, still planned my summer 2011, with the knowledge that these would be dependant on my recovery.

Urged by my therapist to create a new mantra, we came up with ‘I want my life back’ because it is true, I want to be able to be a seventeen year old girl, go to parties, enjoy being with my friends. Spending all of my time at home with my Mum and Dad is not normal. I love my parents to pieces, I am not going to abandon them, but spending most of my time with them is not healthy. I need to get out there, experience the world, and live to my full potential.

I know this is not going to be easy, but I have so much love and support around me, engulfing me from every angle.

048

The note my mum left on the kitchen door

So starting today, I will try to get my life back, piece by piece.

049

My mum is so sweet!

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3 Comments

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3 responses to “Starting again (again)

  1. happinessisfreedom

    Aww so sweet of your mother! Don’t give up Sophie, I know you can do it, it’s so difficult and actually I am not doing well right now, but I know that your new therapist gives you more hope. Recovery is so difficult, I am realizing too that you cannot simply follow the rules because you have to do something, to act and react. Against your Ed and against all those stupid, bad thoughts.
    You will be able to go out with your friends and I hope one day we will both be able to eat eith them again. Be surrounded by friends and enjoy the evening, eating with them all, not feleing judged.
    If you’ll work hard, react and fight, summer 2011 will be lovely, full of joy, otherwise it will be as always, pretty sad, right? Come on, we have to succeed. =)
    (I’ll write back to your e-mail when I’ll have more than one minute =)
    Xo Stay strong!!
    Juliette

  2. Awesome insight, girl.
    PS- Tell your mom som random woman out there named “Missy” loves her. (0:
    ~Missy

  3. dmcgirl37

    You’ll get there!!!! It takes time and patience, i still get frustrated with myself some days even after how far i’ve come. I think as people with eating disorders we are pre disposed to ‘perfectionism’..wanting to do recovery perfectly and get it done asap! It’s NOT like that at all…I can tell you want to get better though and you’ll get there…

    Dana xo
    http://happinessiswithinblog.com

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