When I first started recovery, I have to admit, I thought it would be simple. I thought, if I followed the rules, attended the therapy, everything would simply get better. Those around me thought this was the case too.
Now I have come to realise, recovery is not a simple formula. I cannot apply the strategies of my schooling to this exercise. I have to accept that things will go wrong, and I have to learn to dust myself off, and start again.
The last post that I wrote I deleted. Because I re-read it, and was shocked at myself. Why would I speak so negatively? Why would I act so defeated? It was simple, it was not a post written by me, it was a post written by my eating disorder, whining about how I cannot cope.
For a long time, I have been retorting the phrase ‘I don’t want to get better’ every time I am put in a pressurised situation. So every single time my parents even mention my meal plan, or calories, or new things, I would simply chime in with ‘But I don’t want to get better’. I realise now, you only have to repeat something so many times before it becomes imprinted in your mind-set. I would say that I didn’t want to get better, yet I still looked at universities, still planned my summer 2011, with the knowledge that these would be dependant on my recovery.
Urged by my therapist to create a new mantra, we came up with ‘I want my life back’ because it is true, I want to be able to be a seventeen year old girl, go to parties, enjoy being with my friends. Spending all of my time at home with my Mum and Dad is not normal. I love my parents to pieces, I am not going to abandon them, but spending most of my time with them is not healthy. I need to get out there, experience the world, and live to my full potential.
I know this is not going to be easy, but I have so much love and support around me, engulfing me from every angle.
So starting today, I will try to get my life back, piece by piece.