Feeling funny…

Sorry for being such a terrible blogger. School is so hectic right now, and I have been unwell for just over a week now, with a cold/flu/virus, that I cannot seem to shake. There is so much on my mind, so I decided to cuddle up, and hope the words flow out of my fingertips.


I have found myself overwhelmed by my thoughts recently. It really bubbled over on Sunday, and I felt literally possessed by disordered thoughts. They were screaming in every direction. It took a long time to calm down, and I think it upset my Mum a lot to have to deal with it. Lots of crying did not help my sore throat either!

So why have I been feeling like this? It is probably a reaction to several parts of my life. To start, my Mum has been discussing the steps I have to take to get better with me. Is it strange that even just talking about getting better means that ED flares up big time?

So what should I do? Mum wants me to try and push forward, especially if I really want to go to University in September (which I do!) I think she wants me to try to follow my meal plan, and maybe try new things, because it is getting to the point where I need to push forward, or I will have to go into IP.

Maybe it is all getting a bit real? Because I know that now is the time for change, or I will have to go to IP, which means giving up on my hopes and dreams of going to university in September, at the same as my friends. That and the fact that I have exams coming up in five weeks, which are very important, and currently, I do not have the mental strength to take them. Oh, and it is Christmas in twelve days, which means family, friends and a focus on food.

Ok, this is a rambly post, which is all over the place, and I am glad if you got through it. Any advice is much appreciated, I am feeling a bit lost!



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3 responses to “Feeling funny…

  1. Hmm.. That’s tough/: Welll, I do know what my parents and everyone else tells me. Health comes first. Before anything. My ED used to get pissed every time I talked about recovery too. It didn’t want recovery. All It wanted was for me to be thinner. And thinner. And thinner, then finally dead.

    But anyway, You should probably follow your meal plan/: I know it’s hard, I didn’t follow mine for months! But it’s the best thing to do to move forward. It may seem very very scary at first, and the ED will get mad and tell you lies but it’s worth it. It’s another step of letting go of Ed.

    Take care,

  2. Hey girl — Your choices are to stay put and go IP and miss school in September or
    Try and step it up a notch, avoid IP and go to University.

    This might help you decide. Do you think you need the kind of treatmenmt that IP can provide? Can you see yourself in your second year of University, facing exams and stress and NOT go back to the ED?
    Maybe IP is what you need to nip this in the bud once and for all — then I would say go.

    But what if a part of you wants to stay sick to “avoid all of the stuff” that comes with University, growing up, and leaving ED behind? Don’t “choose” your ED over reality.

    I hope my tone does not come off harsh — cause rereading this it seems like it does. But I am speaking from EXPERIENCE…..
    Love ya!

    • Missy, this is JUST what I needed, some blunt, honest truth, from someone who isn’t in my treatment team. Sometimes they just get a bit annoying, you know?

      At the moment, I think IP would maybe make me more habitual, and probably increase my emotional issues. And The IP services here are (without paying about 30 grand) more like feeding clinics. They literally feed you up to a certain weight, and then say goodbye. Which, for me, is not what I need. I thrive more on support and care. When I was in IP before, I hardly ever saw a psych, and ended up with some emotional trauma to do with leaving my mum and dad.

      I think at the moment, I am choosing my ED over reality.Or pretending I don’t want all of the uni stuff, just so I can stay sick. Which seems even more crazy when I type it out.

      I just feel super frustrated because no one knows a cure, you know? It is just frustrating I suppose.

      Anyway, you are amazing, thank you
      Love xx

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