As a heads up, this post was written virtually after it happened. I chose not to edit it, just to post it as it is, because that is what my blog should be, real, raw and not finely edited. The perfectionist in me is crying, but I will let it.
Today was just a weird situation. Today is my second day of following my new meal plan. But it was more than that. Today was a day of enlightenment, of clarity and of hope.
I have the most amazing maths teacher. She is always supportive, kind and helpful. But, I knew her understanding ran deeper than anyone else’s, she was not just a spectator on my problems, her insight was too great. And honestly, she is a little bit too thin. She was the first to notice my problems and mention them to my dad.
Today she opened up to me, and my reaction has surprised me. She told me how she is obsessed with food, only eating minimal amounts, ‘making up for it’ if she ever goes out to eat, but also how she has gotten herself to a ‘safe point’. Where her weight is low, but she can still function. Saying this, she has very little hair, and what she does have is dry and brittle, the signs of malnutrition are blinding.
She even confessed how she was planning on losing weight this week, as she felt massive.
Naturally, you would assume that this kind of conversation would have triggered me and I would have refused food all day. Strangely enough, it hasn’t. I don’t want to be her. I don’t want to be mid forties and look mid sixties, I don’t want my blonde hair to fall out, I don’t want to have to lie to my friends and colleges about why I am only eating an apple. But most of all, I want to go away to university. For her, as she sees so much potential in me. For my friends and family. For myself. So that I can be a doctor.
So this is for me, and for others that are suffering, a life spent counting calories, being cold and crying is no life at all. You can all do this.
And thanks to the beautiful Dana for some of this inspiration.