First of, thank you guys all so much. You rock big time.
Today hasn’t been perfect, but there have been a few glimmers of hope. Because, when you feel utterly hopeless, you must cling onto the little things.
I have realised that I cannot constantly live in a cycle of trying for a few weeks, panicking, and then ending up at square one again. Yes I have lots of school and friendship stress, but falling into the grips of anorexia, being taken into IP, do not take these problems away.
School is hard right now. Academically and socially. Yesterday I slipped back into a habit I thought I had broken out of: hiding on my own in the library during free periods. I could lie, and say that it was because I have lots of work to do, but although there is some truth in this, I do not need to spend the few hours a week I get with my friends hid away, revising furiously. It just showed me how quickly letting ED creep into one area of my life, led to a complete breakdown. Yesterday, I still did badly with socialising-but I will make today better. One of my gorgeous friends is taking me to a ‘body balance’ class at the gym, which is a fusion of Pilates and tai chi. I am excited, nervous and glad.
My uncle and cousin came over from America, so last night we had lots of the family round. My parents had already decided on a takeaway, and knowing I could not cope with this, I had agreed to cook something else with mum to have. I was truly planning on sitting with them, but my anxiety took over. Instead, I sat on my own, reading this
I felt like a complete failure, I can’t even enjoy the company of my own family.
But, I managed to turn it around by playing on the space hoppers with my cousins and brother, and it was so much fun, it felt nice to laugh for real.
Sadly, depression is like a cloak, and although you may see glimmers of light, the darkness still remains. Hopefully I won’t stay this low forever, and I will work, with all your amazing support, to dig myself out.
Love you all