Hop for happiness

First of, thank you guys all so much. You rock big time.

Today hasn’t been perfect, but there have been a few glimmers of hope. Because, when you feel utterly hopeless, you must cling onto the little things.

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Bicycle top numero dos

I have realised that I cannot constantly live in a cycle of trying for a few weeks, panicking, and then ending up at square one again. Yes I have lots of school and friendship stress, but falling into the grips of anorexia, being taken into IP, do not take these problems away.

School is hard right now. Academically and socially. Yesterday I slipped back into a habit I thought I had broken out of: hiding on my own in the library during free periods. I could lie, and say that it was because I have lots of work to do, but although there is some truth in this, I do not need to spend the few hours a week I get with my friends hid away, revising furiously. It just showed me how quickly letting ED creep into one area of my life, led to a complete breakdown. Yesterday, I still did badly with socialising-but I will make today better. One of my gorgeous friends is taking me to a ‘body balance’ class at the gym, which is a fusion of Pilates and tai chi. I am excited, nervous and glad.

My uncle and cousin came over from America, so last night we had lots of the family round. My parents had already decided on a takeaway, and knowing I could not cope with this, I had agreed to cook something else with mum to have. I was truly planning on sitting with them, but my anxiety took over. Instead, I sat on my own, reading this

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I love my brother for lending me this ❤

I felt like a complete failure, I can’t even enjoy the company of my own family.

But, I managed to turn it around by playing on the space hoppers with my cousins and brother, and it was so much fun, it felt nice to laugh for real.

Space-Hopper

Sadly, depression is like a cloak, and although you may see glimmers of light, the darkness still remains. Hopefully I won’t stay this low forever, and I will work, with all your amazing support, to dig myself out.

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Love you all

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Hop for happiness

  1. Hedda

    You know what I want you to do now? Give yourself a huge hug from me and say to yourself that you should be proud. Why? Because you want to change your behaviour, and that my friend is the first step to actually take action and change. You know that disorded behaviour only results in destruction and you also know that you don’t want to live in social isolation and fear.
    That is great! It shows that your voice is strenghtening and you see what ED does to your life more clearly.

    Take a deep breathe, tell yourself that you are strong enough to change. It’s scary and uncomfortable, and a process full of ups and downs but you can do it. Take it gradually, push yourself a little every day. Today is a new day, embrace that fact. View challenges as an opportunity to grow, to realize that what you feared was not dangerous after all. It was life. And life is much better than a destructive existence.

  2. Sarah

    Sophie,
    I am happy to hear you’re feeling a bit better. Depression is like a cloak, what a perfect description that was. I have a lot of depression myself and it’s not an easy thing to deal with. It makes the rest of the fight so much harder because we simply cannot find the energy to begin fighting.
    I’m sure you know this already, but being underweight does have a chemical influence in our brain that automatically makes anxiety/depression worse (at least…that’s what my n told me). I was having panic attacks on a daily basis at my low weight. Weight restoration coupled with medication have relieved me of those. I really believe that nourishing our bodies adequately can help some of these feelings to dissapate.
    Just a thought, I know how hard it is…trrrust me. But like Hedda said, you see the problem and you know you need to find a solution. Just contemplating recovery is a step. You CAN take this farther and you can recover. Bottom line! The more you go for it the easier it will become.
    xxx

  3. Sophie,
    Your honesty is inspiring. Concentrating on the little good things does wonders and often those little things can help you hang on and become really important in your recovery. Sometimes you have to take the path that goes UP the mountain instead of the one that goes around and around and around. I’m looking for that one right now so I completely understand where you’re coming from. I’ve realized, as I think you have, that we can only find the path upwards if we are looking. I am proud of you for acknowledging the need to move forward and to move forward with honesty. Don’t give this up. Don’t stop reaching out, We’re all here to climb with you 🙂
    Hannah

  4. time for happiness

    I agree, concentrating on little things in life make it that much easier. But I am so proud of you for getting back up and trying. You are recognizing what is going on and not letting it surpass you, which I think is amazing. I know that it is hard and that it seems easier to give up, but you arent taking the easy way and you deserve such a big hug!!!
    By the way, I tried to make my blog private and I still want you to read it so if you can or cant just email me either way kimiupsidedown@gmail.com so I know. ❤

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