End of an era

Once again, I am sorry for my unplanned hiatus, I feel as if I should say I have been busy, or give a legitimate excuse, but truth is, this is the one place I can be really honest, with you and with myself. I have been in a dark, dark place. I knew I would never react positively to school being removed, but I didn’t think I would react this badly. But, I cannot simply blame this on someone or something else. I had wonderful advice from all of you, support from my family and treatment team, but I simply felt unable to make myself a plan, and then implement it.

Yesterday, my final ever day of school arrived, and threw so many emotions in my face. Instantly, this was translated to feeling ‘fat’. After much crying, I did manage to drag myself to school, and I didn’t have an amazing time, but this was something I needed to do.

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My leavers party bag

By the time the evening rolled around, I wanted nothing more than to resign to my bed, allowing myself to be consumed by negative thoughts. Luckily, I have some amazing friends, who dragged me out clubbing.

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Lost my revs 'virginity'

I’ve only been out a few times, and never before have I stayed out until 3.15! I loved dancing for hours and hours, because nothing else mattered whilst I was dancing. I also sang along with these lyrics, and they really stuck with me.

“I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there

Become so tired, so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you”

One of the things I do struggle with, is simply thinking I am okay, just because I have been out one time, and managed to simply dance my worries away. Because, when I stop dancing, I have to come home again, have to face up to the enormity of my current task. Have tp admit that I am living under a dark cloud. Because it is lonely under my cloud, realistically no one else knows how dark I really feel.

Some days I do not feel strong, most days I feel unable to fight. You all fill me with hope that it will get easier. So thank you all so much.

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “End of an era

  1. jen

    aw love im so sorry you’ve been in a dark place :/ but honestly, it is really amazing that you went out and you’re lucky to have supportive friends around you. im so glad you had fun. i know the thoughts might come back after you’re out dancing, but that’s natural, as you have such a powerful mind and you can’t shut things out. but it’s okay, and you’re so strong so things will be just fine. i hope you feel much better right away xoxox

  2. Hi! Hun
    Sorry I haven’t been there for you too I’ve been in a depression that I think lasted ALMOST a month, and I just blogged myself. Those lyrics are Linkin Park’s Numb I LOVE that song for SO many reasons.

  3. Hedda

    My friend,
    it pains me to know that you are in a dark place. I know all too well how that feels. When it seems like nothing matters, ED is there today and will be present in your life forever. That was my belief a year ago and it month after months to convince me otherwise.

    My message for you will be to not give up. I know it doesn’t feel like it but you have started on your recovery. Admitting that you need to change, that you do not want ED in your life anymore is a HUGE step forwards. It is the key that opens up the possibility of recovery. Hold on to this, even though your desire to live exists alongside the fear of living. Remember what I said to you, how about giving life a chance now? After the years of giving anorexia a chance. Sit down and try to reflect upon what anorexia has meant to you, how has it affected your life? It has taken away your light and passion, but you can take that back again. If you fight now you can go back to the life you dream of – the one with studies, friends, genuine laughter and love. If you don’t, you risk an early death. I know it is hard to think about, but it is the raw truth for us all.

    So, beautiful Sophie – hang on. Keep on waking up in the morning, keep on eating despite “hating” the food. It is the only way to get out of the darkness.

    Know that I believe in you, also when you are surrounded by darkness.

  4. Sarah

    Sophie,
    You have made a very courageous decision. Maybe you can’t see it now, but leaving school was the best thing you could have done for yourself. School is great but health is THE most important thing. Taking this time to focus on you and heal your mind and body will allow you to enjoy school so much more when you’re ready to go back again.
    I understand exactly how you feel right now…I felt the same depression and sense of failure after I left school 2 quarters ago. But now that I am back, I have had the most enjoyable quarter that I have ever had. There is so much I was missing out on at school before simply because I didn’t have the energy to engage.
    Be patient and kind to yourself…things with school/work will work out but right now it’s time to focus on YOU : )
    xxx

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