Guilt

Guilt.

Following a meal plan, guilt. Not following the meal plan, distressed family, guilt.

Having a better weekend, guilt. Having a bad weekend, Ruining it for everyone, guilt.

Gaining weight, guilt. Not gaining weight, disappointed family, guilt.

Dressing nicely, guilt. Not dressing nicely, feeling  worse, guilt.

You see, under the cloak of anorexia, it is impossible to do the right thing, every action we take, we are told it is wrong. Any restriction or exercise, is not enough, never will be enough. Challenging ourselves leads to feelings of guilt. Is it possible to win?

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Dealing with some guilt by dressing nice

Love you all

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4 Comments

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4 responses to “Guilt

  1. im so sorry love! keep ur head up!!

  2. jen

    ugh i know, you see i think its just honestly up to you and your mind and your confidence, and if you say something is right then it shoudl be fine. our minds are so complex and especially if we have some disordered thinking and behaviours, be it anorexia/eds or what not our minds just try to trick us. 😦 is sucks but just remember that so much of it isn’t true at all. just tell yourself its okay to do what you’re doing, eating right is GOOD. no guilt there. but really the main think is trying hard and if you’re putting an effort into it, if you lose, or don’t follow something exactly, you might feel guilt but just remember that you’re trying. xoxox

  3. Oh, Sophie, this feeling is one I can completely relate to. No matter what we do it never feels right. We eat, it is wrong. We don’t eat, wrong.
    Where you are now you probably feel like you’re trapped in a situation where the people around you wants to do what ED dislikes, and ED wants to do what they dislike. To make it even more complicated and frustrating for you, your perception of right/wrong is strongly influenced by ED. Deep down we both know that eating, relaxing and enjoying life is the right thing, but it’s like our mind sends us conflicting messages.

    What we need to realize is that ED does not want us happy. Never. That is not it’s mission here on Earth. It is almost like an abusive partner who holds this inexplainable attraction even though it beats us time after time. Yes, ED can make us feel in ” control ” and “superior”, but these emotions are all rooted in a disorded perception of reality. We are not in control when we restrict, far from it. We are under control, and recovery is to teach us how to take this control back. It is our life Sophie, and we do have the right to eat, gain and be happy.

    I know these feelings of guilt will not pass immediately, so your challenge is to feel guilt but still fight to push forward in recovery. Eat while being overwhelmed by guilt. It is the only way, my dear. If I could make it easier for you, believe me I would, but I can’t. Recovery is damn hard, but it is also damn worth it.

    Love you and thinking of you. Know that there are people in your life who feel your guilt, fear and exhaustion. You are not alone, and we are here for you.

  4. Sarah

    “You see, under the cloak of anorexia, it is impossible to do the right thing, every action we take, we are told it is wrong. Any restriction or exercise, is not enough, never will be enough. Challenging ourselves leads to feelings of guilt. Is it possible to win?”

    This paragraph was your rational voice coming through, Sophie. It is NEVER possible to win…never possible to good enough for anorexia and by asking these questions I think it shows you know this deep inside.

    Chasing ed is a pursuit that we will never win…because as we run towards him he keeps changing his position. We meet one “goal” he tells us we must meet but then the goal changes and we can’t be happy suddenly until we reach the next goal he has set. This happens over and over and OVER again. That’s why this is so dangerous! Because to ed nothing is enough…death is not even enough. We CAN’T win!

    On the other hand, spending your time fighting ed and in pursuit of recovery IS a chase you can win! The goal of recovery stays in the same place…the end does not move farther away as we move closer, it stays put…until we reach it!

    You CAN do this, Sophie. You deserve this! I know ed is alluring, but give recovery a chance…I promise you it will be well worth your fight!

    xxx

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