Reading through my last post actually made me laugh a bit. Ur, the award for looking too far into things goes to me!

Bounce fudgie walnut ball

I had actually read about these ages ago, and this gorgeous blogger had mentioned being sent them by an English blogger. They looked intreiging (I cannot say appealing, cause that wouldn’t be believed by anyone!) So when we were in our local health food  shop, I recounted the story to my mum about seeing them on a blog, with positive reviews. “Great lets buy some.” retorted my Mother. “Urm” was my only response whilst my brain did mental flips. So she bought them, due to them being energy dense and smaller than my current snack bars.

Conundrum: Why do I eat something of larger quantity just because it is lower calorie? It made me realise that I will always pick the lower calorie options. Yes, I’d rather eat cups and cups of broccoli as opposed to one square of chocolate. I mentioned this to my therapist, who simply told me that it proved how stuck I was in the ooey-gooey mess of ED.

Well, it hit me half way through today that it was September. Now, I’ve been reading about everyone going back to or getting ready for college, yet it still didn’t hit me. In a strange way, I think I’ve been living in my own little bubble, where school is just something that other people did. Going to school means changing my daily routines of reading, beading, puzzling, writing , catching up on blogs, and unfortunately, crying. The latter, especially, does not fit into most peoples day-to-day school routines.

This, therefore, is the current source of so much of my anxiety. If I am not worrying about the change in difficulty for AS to A2, I am fretting about what I will wear, who I will hang out with, and what, when and how I will eat. Since I was at school in July, I was able to come home most days for lunch, as most of my classes were in the morning. This time, my timetable doesn’t allow for this, nor does it allow for all of my other day-to day activities. In July, I was in a bit of a better place mentally, I was dependant on my parents and needed them to be supportive for me a lot of the time. On the contrary, I was able to be around other people, and not burst into tears when my mum goes out. Physically, I am not aware of any changes, I think I am in the same place, just possibly with larger arm muscles.

I struggle with anxiety eating around my peers. I still dislike eating around other people, outside of my family, this is only heightened at school. Being around people who aren’t eating lunch as they are participating in some new diet, or because they have already eaten a whole bag of cookies at break time, makes it very difficult to consume my own healhy, balanced, essential lunch. My mother being there during my lunch times makes it much easier to  eat.

Home lunch of salmon stir fry on soba noodles

Thus, I know that I am liable to loose weight whilst I am at school. My parents will not be around to watch and police me, which is one of the main reasons I manage to eat my meal plan. Without their presence, input and encouragement, I am not sure that  I will be able to do it alone.  I know this sounds pathetic, as this is my recovery, thus it is my responsibility to complete my meal plan, but I still feel unable to complete it alone.

I am completely lost. I have no idea what to do, so any input would be appreciated.

Thank you.