Eating disorders are not about food, not about weight, not about being the thinnest to fit into social stereotypes, they are about serious emotional turmoil.
But we are all trying so hard to bottle the emotional turmoil, that we say it is all about these things, because it is easier to deny and pretend, distract and carry on. Facing the emotional problems is hard. Life is hard.
I just want to say I am still struggling incredibly, but I have finally ‘given in’ to the help, slowly. I can’t explain everything right now, to be honest I don’t really understand, my brain isn’t functioning too well. I will be back one day, I hope, I am not sure when. I am thinking of you all. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org, and I will try to respond.
Love you all xx
Well, my BMI is as low as ever. Do I feel happy? Pretty? Smart? Useful? Kind? Caring? Content?
No. I pee in my own room.
So far, I can’t get with the programme, can’t complete meals, mostly can’t even start, can’t stop walking. Struggling to even drink. They threaten to section me as I try to run. Can’t seem to do it.
I didn’t get into University
My world is crashing
I am off to an inpatient facility in a matter of days
Yes, Life feels hopeless.
I haven’t fallen off the end of the world, time hasn’t stopped and the end of the world is not close. I don’t think I could recap everything that has been happening recently, nor would you have the time or patience to read it.
I went away for a week without my parents. A whole week with 7 of my best friends, full of sunshine and laughter.
Sadly, anorexia also played a big part. I couldn’t fully enjoy myself, I didn’t nourish myself properly, and I scared all of my friends when I had to be carried out of a nightclub.
I had a plan to follow, but I easily slipped and found excuses, which inevitably led to weight loss, which leads to lack of cognitive function. Leading to tantrums, crying and me being horrible to my parents since I have come home. They are just scared, scared of how quickly I let it slip.
I love my parents so much, more than anything, and since they have been home I have been nothing but horrible. Mum told me today that my anorexia makes me the most selfish person she knows, and she says that her little girl was never ever selfish, all she ever wanted to do was help others.
Who am I now? I am tearing my family apart at the seams, so much so that they consider referring me to social services, to find me my own accommodation. Because they cannot live with anorexia anymore. I know it has to be my decision to remove anorexia from my life too, but I am always so gripped by fear at the actual process, that I continue to stay where I am. I’m confused and exhausted. This post makes little sense, but I hope to be back soon with some form of hope, inspiration, love, simply something other than nothingness and anger. One can only hope.
Following a meal plan, guilt. Not following the meal plan, distressed family, guilt.
Having a better weekend, guilt. Having a bad weekend, Ruining it for everyone, guilt.
Gaining weight, guilt. Not gaining weight, disappointed family, guilt.
Dressing nicely, guilt. Not dressing nicely, feeling worse, guilt.
You see, under the cloak of anorexia, it is impossible to do the right thing, every action we take, we are told it is wrong. Any restriction or exercise, is not enough, never will be enough. Challenging ourselves leads to feelings of guilt. Is it possible to win?
Dealing with some guilt by dressing nice
Love you all