What eating disorders are

Eating disorders are not about food, not about weight, not about being the thinnest to fit into social stereotypes, they are about serious emotional turmoil.

But we are all trying so hard to bottle the emotional turmoil, that we say it is all about these things, because it is easier to deny and pretend, distract and carry on. Facing the emotional problems is hard. Life is hard.

Update

Hi guys

I just want to say I am still struggling incredibly, but I have finally ‘given in’ to the help, slowly. I can’t explain everything right now, to be honest I don’t really understand, my brain isn’t functioning too well. I will be back one day, I hope, I am not sure when. I am thinking of you all. My email is sophie.sfe.elliott@gmail.com, and I will try to respond.

Love you all xx

BMI

Well, my BMI is as low as ever. Do I feel happy? Pretty? Smart? Useful? Kind? Caring? Content?
No. I pee in my own room.

IP

So far, I can’t get with the programme, can’t complete meals, mostly can’t even start, can’t stop walking. Struggling to even drink. They threaten to section me as I try to run. Can’t seem to do it.

Blank

I didn’t get into University

My world is crashing

I am off to an inpatient facility in a matter of days

Yes, Life feels hopeless.

Where have you been?

I haven’t fallen off the end of the world, time hasn’t stopped and the end of the world is not close. I don’t think I could recap everything that has been happening recently, nor would you have the time or patience to read it.

I went away for a week without my parents. A whole week with 7 of my best friends, full of sunshine and laughter.

Sadly, anorexia also played a big part. I couldn’t fully enjoy myself, I didn’t nourish myself properly, and I scared all of my friends when I had to be carried out of a nightclub.

I had a plan to follow, but I easily slipped and found excuses, which inevitably led to weight loss, which leads to lack of cognitive function. Leading to tantrums, crying and me being horrible to my parents since I have come home. They are just scared, scared of how quickly I let it slip.

I love my parents so much, more than anything, and since they have been home I have been nothing but horrible. Mum told me today that my anorexia makes me the most selfish person she knows,  and she says that her little girl was never ever selfish, all she ever wanted to do was help others.

Who am I now? I am tearing my family apart at the seams, so much so that they consider referring me to social services, to find me my own accommodation. Because they cannot live with anorexia anymore. I know it has to be my decision to remove anorexia from my life too, but I am always so gripped by fear at the actual process, that I continue to stay where I am. I’m confused and exhausted. This post makes little sense, but I hope to be back soon with some form of hope, inspiration, love, simply something other than nothingness and anger. One can only hope.

Love

Guilt

Guilt.

Following a meal plan, guilt. Not following the meal plan, distressed family, guilt.

Having a better weekend, guilt. Having a bad weekend, Ruining it for everyone, guilt.

Gaining weight, guilt. Not gaining weight, disappointed family, guilt.

Dressing nicely, guilt. Not dressing nicely, feeling  worse, guilt.

You see, under the cloak of anorexia, it is impossible to do the right thing, every action we take, we are told it is wrong. Any restriction or exercise, is not enough, never will be enough. Challenging ourselves leads to feelings of guilt. Is it possible to win?

Dealing with some guilt by dressing nice

Love you all

My town

On my bike today, I realised something: I am sick of the town I live in. I know if I stay sick, I will be condemning myself to a life of misery here. A life half lived, potentially bouncing between hospitals, with few friends, and a family who are heartbroken by my situation. I want, hell, I need to get out of here. I need to get to Newcastle, get to medical school, get into the army, be the best I can possibly be.

Clouds mapping how I feel-the darkness taking over the light

 

 

Am I scared? Yes. But is the life I am living right now any less scary? Having a mother who constantly worries you may collapse, or a family who are scared of being left alone with you, for fear of what you may do, or friends who hardly talk to you, as you are just a hollow shell of the girl they once loved. That is scary. The fact that I cannot sit my exams next week, petrifying. My inability to even read a book because my head is so scrambled, agonizing.

I want to be the best doctor I can possibly be, I want to have insight and empathy, strength, courage and determination. And it all must come from inside.

Now I have these feelings, I feel as if I need to be given a solution, a method, a plan. But there is no such thing. I wish there was, perhaps if I could just simply follow a set of instructions, and at the end of it, I would be miraculously better.I suppose all I can do, is follow the advice of those around me, and wait it out.

The gorgeous dog I am walking

Love you all x

End of an era

Once again, I am sorry for my unplanned hiatus, I feel as if I should say I have been busy, or give a legitimate excuse, but truth is, this is the one place I can be really honest, with you and with myself. I have been in a dark, dark place. I knew I would never react positively to school being removed, but I didn’t think I would react this badly. But, I cannot simply blame this on someone or something else. I had wonderful advice from all of you, support from my family and treatment team, but I simply felt unable to make myself a plan, and then implement it.

Yesterday, my final ever day of school arrived, and threw so many emotions in my face. Instantly, this was translated to feeling ‘fat’. After much crying, I did manage to drag myself to school, and I didn’t have an amazing time, but this was something I needed to do.

My leavers party bag

By the time the evening rolled around, I wanted nothing more than to resign to my bed, allowing myself to be consumed by negative thoughts. Luckily, I have some amazing friends, who dragged me out clubbing.

Lost my revs 'virginity'

I’ve only been out a few times, and never before have I stayed out until 3.15! I loved dancing for hours and hours, because nothing else mattered whilst I was dancing. I also sang along with these lyrics, and they really stuck with me.

“I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
Don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)

I’ve become so numb, I can’t feel you there
Become so tired, so much more aware
I’m becoming this, all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you”

One of the things I do struggle with, is simply thinking I am okay, just because I have been out one time, and managed to simply dance my worries away. Because, when I stop dancing, I have to come home again, have to face up to the enormity of my current task. Have tp admit that I am living under a dark cloud. Because it is lonely under my cloud, realistically no one else knows how dark I really feel.

Some days I do not feel strong, most days I feel unable to fight. You all fill me with hope that it will get easier. So thank you all so much.

School

Firstly, an apology, for being so absent from this wonderful community. Truthfully, I have been absent from life itself over the past few weeks, but I am attempting to rediscover life, and hopefully I will have more time to blog in these next few weeks.

You see, an important decision has been made. One that shook my world, my being, my persona, and brought it crashing to the ground. I am not going to sit the final modules of my A2 exams. Writing it down makes it seem so much more real. Yet, I cannot run away from it, the decision has been made, and the exam board will be notified.

Due to my ill health, the exam board will evaluate the grades that I have achieved on the 5/6 modules so far, and award me a grade based on these results. Wow, so I am just being given the results? How lazy am I?! But that is just ED talking. I have worked so hard up until now, achieved 2 offers from 2 prestigious universities, to do one of the hardest courses available, all whilst fighting through this. I have managed to stay at school all of this time. Sadly, now I must admit defeat. My mental ability is diminished, and my head of sixth form said I would be doing myself an injustice to take the exams in my current state.

No more getting up at 5 to study

Am I upset? Incredibly. Do I feel like a failure? Yes. But both my parents and teachers are so proud of me. Proud that I have gotten this far, battled for so long. I still do not feel okay about it, but it is still incredibly raw and I do not think it has sunk in yet. I am still attending school (only 2 weeks until leavers!) and learning, but I know that I will not have all the stress that comes along with exams.

School work was the one thing I felt ED hadn’t taken away from me, I could still do it whilst I was sick. But now, that has been taken too, so now I am at the very bottom, and I need to rebuild myself up again.

Inspiring smoothie carton?

Have you had to give up school, or give up anything else important to you due to ED?

Any suggestions of what to do with the time I won’t be studying?